Burnout (aka use your leave time, kids)

[pkrosche]

 Okay, today is the end of the first week of my "vacation" though I do hate calling it that since I've only left my apartment to get the mail once, do laundry once, and buy some cake at the grocery store once. And it's not really a "staycation" either, since I'm mostly just sleeping and doing nothing else. So...it's a hibernation? Yeah, let's go with that.

So today is the end of my first week of hibernation and oh boy, it's been a bit of a ride. Burnout is no joke kids. And is largely the reason I'm stuck with spending my well fucking earned time off hibernating in my messy one bedroom apartment rather than going out and stimulating the economy like a good American.

And I do chalk all this up to burnout. Anyone in academia or in a toxic industry or in a job where the days are long, the pay isn’t much, and the work is never-ending knows what burnout is like. Like depression but a little to the left. Like wanting so badly to do things (anything) but spending all your free time after your shift is done staring at the wall. Like spending an extra 10 minutes in the shower before you leave for work, even though you’re already running late, just because you can’t force yourself to move out from under the water’s spray.

I don’t know what it is. My brain and body needs rest?? I guess??? (Sarcasm.)

I love my job. I genuinely like my boss. I (mostly) appreciate the students that work with me too, but damn. The last time I took time off was in August. My parents came out to visit and we went to Glacier National Park and it was amazing and I was happy to see them and spend time with them, but it was not restful. 

My body needed rest. My mind needs rest.

Thanksgiving and Christmas and half of the weekends from that time to today? I was working. Because someone had to (grad students don’t do shit) and because the lab was quiet (because everyone else was off for the holidays) and because we were behind with the paper rewrites (who else was going to do it?).

I am finally taking time off after dropping into a new level of burnout that I had never descended to before. This one wasn’t just crying in agony about it only being Tuesday while I was driving in to work. Or needing to buy a soda and a snack from the vending machines in the building because I was on hour 13 and didn’t bring a lunch and could feel my blood sugar was getting too low. This wasn’t that level of burnout that makes me sit quietly in my office for a few minutes to listen to a song at whisper volume waiting for a timer to go off and signal me to get back in the lab. 

This was something new. 

My university allows its employees to bank around 345 hours of paid vacation time. I was going to start losing (aka not gaining any more) hours with my next paycheck if I didn’t take time off. 

And I needed it. Clearly.

Hopefully next week takes me somewhere a bit further than from my bed to the bathroom to the kitchen. 

And hopefully, I won’t let it get so bad again. 

Don’t be like me. Use your leave time. And don’t let anyone give you shit for doing so.